Kill the Ugg Boot Socialist Pigs!!

There are just some things in this world that make me want to find some innocent prep, break her arm off, and beat her with the bloody stub. Ugg boots are definitely one of them.

So, here's the deal. I'm chillin' in my political science class, thoroughly enjoying a discussion on capitalism vs. socialism, when some idiot completely RUINS the intelligent energy flowing about the room with this question: "So, like, uh, what is capitalism again?"

WTF?!? ARE YOU FREAKIN' AMERICAN?!?

Oh, of course she's American. She watches the Miss America pageant right? She mindlessly upholds to America's freakishly disturbing ideals on beauty. And, just like the average American girl, her mind is much too feeble and focused on the more womanly things in life (e.g. totally dreamy babes and if her super-cute pores are clean) to understand 'manly' things such as politics.

But, this isn't the end of it, folks. No, here's the real reason she asked such a stupid question: she was wearing a mini-skirt, ugg boots, and a Northface jacket.
Once again, a mindless pawn of the all-knowing fashion industry has been converted to SOCIALISM!!

Yeah, don't believe me, huh? Well, think about it. If the communists were going to target people in America, it would be the plebs, those mindless, hopeless nitwits that unfortunately take up the majority of the U.S. That would mean the thugs, the pregnant teenagers, the MTV groupies, and yes, those freeze-dried yuppies that somehow managed to NOT DIE in the 80's. Why the yuppies, you say? Why not just the thugs? Easy--the yuppies are preppy rich kids who will buy in to any stupid trend going on. That means the communists would simply have to tap into our biggest industries--fashion, music, anything pop culture. Then, subliminally convert them all into socialists! Notice, my friends, how the yuppie-pretty-girl did not ask what socialism was! It was the idea of capitalism that baffled her!

That would explain her skewed fashion sense: ugg boots and a mini skirt? On that day, it was about 30 degrees. Was she confused? Obviously, this is a cruel (but funny) prank by the communists to see just how much they can get away with. But, we can't get good humor get in the way of the direness of the situation! The communists are once again trying to do us from within! One day its Ugg Boots, the next its the Red Scare Part II!

So watch out for these people: they are most likely part of a sorority affectionately entitled "Kappa Delta Look-At-Me!" and think they look "like-totally-super-awesome!" in ugg boots. Kill them, for they are the enemy.

Eva Longoria's Mustache and Miss America's Continual Whining

Oh dear God, everyone RUN!!! IT'S THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON!!!

Oh no wait...its okay...its just Maxim's sexiest woman in the world!! Yay! Isn't that nice?

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Poor, poor Eva Longoria. What, mean, foul, horrible person would be so inhumane to scoff at such remarkable beauty? Afterall, she is our role model! She is Maxim's sexiest woman in the world!!!



Sexiest woman in the world...let's take a look at who else is sexy.




Well, Pam Anderson sure has it going on!!! She's had the most covers of Playboy in history!




Mmmmm. And, look at Jennifer Lopez! Hot, hot, hot!!!


Doesn't this make you wonder why our views on beauty are so horrifyingly SKEWED?!? Need some more examples? How about you take Ms. America. She's lovely. She's smart. She probably doesn't know the name of the vice president. And, if you remember correctly, she got herself out of an inexcusable predicament lately by boo-hoo-ing and acting like a cute, dumb blonde. "Oh thank you, Donald Trump!!! Waahhh Wahhh WAHHHH!" Is this the person that is suppose to be the role model for girls in America? A pretty, artificial thing representing an unrealistic American ideal? Who needs smarts, after all, when you can just boo-hoo your way out of your own selfish, inappropriate actions?

A little while ago, I was watching the television and an announcer for some new "reality" show called Miss America "the ultimate honor." WHAT?!? AS OPPOSED TO DYING AT WAR?? AMERICA, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!! Oh, and they always try to justify it: "Miss America has to be intelligent--the points are based off and interview and talent contest." You know, if we were trying to award intelligent, comprehensive, and talented girls, there wouldn't be a bikini contest.

The bikini contest. You know folks, back in middle school I was very involved in my county's livestock show. Its a Texas thing. Anyway, my project was raising lambs. What we would do was build the lambs up for months, pushing them to extremes to be healthy, have the exact proportions they needed of fat and muscle. Some people would inject them with "secret" formulas, which usually amounted to electrolytes and stimulants. It was nuts. Then, game day, we would lead our lambs around a ring, showcasing them. And the judges would study their muscles in their backs, abdominals, and hindquarters very closely, carefully choosing the best ones for market.

Does this remind you of unhealthy, scantily clad women showcasing themselves in front of judges? Have women really reversed themselves that far in history to where they are nothing but meat? And the one that is most heralded uses the fact that she's pretty to get out of crimes she has committed against her own country? WAKE, UP AMERICA! Underage drinking is against the AMERICAN law, and Miss AMERICA can't uphold to that standard. I say, take the crown and give it to someone else. And no, I don't mean some other bimbo with a generic body. Give it to someone who deserves it! And for heaven's sakes, stop sending our country back fifty years! In fact, why don't you just throw us into China during the time women would bind their feet for "beauty."

I'll tell ya who Miss America is! Its Condoleeza Rice. Its Nancy Pelosi! Its every single hard-working woman in the United States! Its women who make a difference in the country! Its single moms who still make every one of their kids' soccer games! Its real, beautiful women who care about the future of this great nation, not if they have a perfect amount of mascara on their eyelashes or silicon breasts.

And, the problem is YOU, America! Its you girls who cry all day just because you have a little bit too much fat on your hips or pudge on your stomaches! Or your boobs aren't big enough, hair not blond enough, ears not small enough. YOU ARE STUPID AND WEAK, SO GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES! Yeah yeah, don't give me that--"It's not my fault, its men's fault for judging me!" BULLSHIT! If you are strong enough, you can come up with your own views on beauty! You have no obligation to America's ridiculous standards! Fight back! Stop letting men push you around. Stop trying to act like you want to be some slut on Girls Gone Wild. Because in reality, you have a brain. You are not weak. And, you don't have to hold up to America's ridiculous idealism.

As for you men! Shut the hell up!! "I like big titties!!" Yeah, well here's the truth: boobs are milk glands with lumps of fat covering them. Looking at fake women isn't art. Its immature and selfish. Stop whacking off and realize something: the women you see in magazines and videos are artificial. Their pictures are photoshopped. There faces and bodies are plastered with makeup. Eva Longoria has a mustache. And you know what, that's not beautiful. That's just retarded.